Coming Out of The Dark

It seems like forever ago that I was in the hole, in the dark, with no way out. But its only been a few weeks since I found my way out and started feeling "normal" again. Thats another word I hate, "normal". What does that even mean? For me its means I'm still all in my head and not entirely happy with where I find myself, but I am no longer spiralling downwards, no longer truly hating myself.
The St Johns Wort certainly pulled me out of the hole, but it hasn't made the cold hard truth any easier to swallow. I still hate my job, I still feel like I should be more successful than I am, I still have my issues, but I'm trying to be nicer to myself. Gentler...more like I am to my best mates...honest but loving. Why its so hard to be this way to myself I'm not sure, but I sure am becoming a better friend. My internal dialogue is no longer a record stuck on destroy...now I can pick the tune I wanna hear and control the volume....if you get my old fashioned metaphor...

So, the update is, I'm O.k. I'm pretty good in fact. Turns out, where I am is exactly where I need to be...out of the hole and dancing in the rain.

Love, Love me Do

Have you ever been afraid that you'll never fall in love again? Not just "Be" loved, but really love someone? Sometimes I forget about how amazing it is to be the one doing the loving...so to speak. It occurred to me recently that I haven't been in love for about seven years. I almost have, I could have taken that leap of faith, but I didn't. I haven't for about seven years. Thats an incredibly long time to keep your heart under lock and key. I haven't given anything away for all this time. I'm sure in a way its a good thing...I haven't unnecessarily set myself up to fall flat on my face...just my arse. But I miss that feeling. That crazy, unpredictable feeling that has you happy all the time wearing rose coloured glasses, speaking in cliches and unable to write properly because you are too damn happy.

I miss that feeling. I'm craving it. And I'm just about ready for it.

I can only hope there's someone, somewhere ready to shine their light on me. I can't wait to bathe in that beautiful, warm, soft golden light. You know that light in the late afternoon, when the world sparkles golden and warm, even on a cold day...thats what love feels like...that time of day.