I am in a grade A funk. It started when dad left for home and half an hour later I found $100 hidden under the remote. I always argue with him when he tries to give me money, so he hid it...my lovely dad. I immediately started missing him, which turned into homesickness, which turned into feeling lonely ,which has turned into the terrible, vague and totally shit feeling I have now. Its taken a little over a week to get here and I'd like to go back now.
From where I stand right now, everything looks crap. My flat, my clothes, money, my damn job...especially my damn job. I basically hate the world and can't think of a thing to bring myself out of it. Alcohol certainly isn't helping,I tried cutting pictures out of magazines to make an inspiring poster ( I know...I'm disgusted with myself), I'm even watching Bridget Jones...but the dvd's fucking up for some reason and I'm tempted to throw it off the fucking balcony. Now I'm wondering if a nice hot bath will do the trick...
What I really want is a break from myself. I want to get out of my head for a bit, which is always spinning and twisting at the best of times, but is now effecting my heart. Or is it my heart effecting my head? Hmmm, there's a thought...yet another that will lead me nowhere tonight. Perhaps I'll play a computer game, perhaps I'll organise my make up drawer...what ever I end up doing tonight, I will try not to do it while thinking about being lonely, stupid and lost. Maybe things will be better in the morning.
I hope where ever you are tonight, you are resting easy, laughing freely and not suffering from the mean reds.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Daddy's Girl
Lets get one thing straight...I am not a daddy's girl. In fact, I'm not a mummy's girl either. My family isn't the touchy, feely, let's-spend-time-together type... We don't hate each other- you understand, we just don't spend time together...ever.
My sister and I are close and we speak on the phone a few times a week, enjoy each others company, until we don't. Mum and I were close in my late teens, but as I've grown up and she's grown older,and slightly more dotty, we've drifted a bit.
I've never known my dad really. Don't get me wrong he's always been around, but when I was young he was working constantly. The only time i could catch time with him was when he was working in the garage. I would wander in sit on a stool and chat while watching him work. he was always building something, or carving or fixing something. That was my only time with him, so you can imagine my jealousy when he and my sister started going out to pony club and actually hanging out. I was green with envy and it was a very unbecoming colour.
But now I'm thirty, all grown up. Mature...or something.
Dad has been here visiting for the last couple of days. He came to bring a big dvd cabinet he made me (with very groovy ladies legs on the front), as well as the xmas presents I couldn't fit in my car. Last night I took him to the bar and introduced to all the regulars...all blokes I might add. The King promised that I was safe and well looked after there, and everyone was very sweet...and i think dad had a good time. Today we had a lazy morning then headed out to look for furniture to fill my empty house. Finding a couch in my price range, and that I really like, is proving to be a tad difficult, but today I think we narrowed it down to three, and Dad said he send me more money to help out. We ( I mean he) bought a t.v stand and some cool bar stools, then he spent the late afternoon putiting it all together and rearranging furniture.
He's now trying to fix my car which suddenly has a flat battery...what would I do without him?
I've really loved having him here. This is literally the first time we've ever spent any extended period of time together, just us, and its been lovely. I feel safe, secure and loved.
How I will miss this feeling, and him, when he goes home. Maybe I am a daddy's girl after all.
My sister and I are close and we speak on the phone a few times a week, enjoy each others company, until we don't. Mum and I were close in my late teens, but as I've grown up and she's grown older,and slightly more dotty, we've drifted a bit.
I've never known my dad really. Don't get me wrong he's always been around, but when I was young he was working constantly. The only time i could catch time with him was when he was working in the garage. I would wander in sit on a stool and chat while watching him work. he was always building something, or carving or fixing something. That was my only time with him, so you can imagine my jealousy when he and my sister started going out to pony club and actually hanging out. I was green with envy and it was a very unbecoming colour.
But now I'm thirty, all grown up. Mature...or something.
Dad has been here visiting for the last couple of days. He came to bring a big dvd cabinet he made me (with very groovy ladies legs on the front), as well as the xmas presents I couldn't fit in my car. Last night I took him to the bar and introduced to all the regulars...all blokes I might add. The King promised that I was safe and well looked after there, and everyone was very sweet...and i think dad had a good time. Today we had a lazy morning then headed out to look for furniture to fill my empty house. Finding a couch in my price range, and that I really like, is proving to be a tad difficult, but today I think we narrowed it down to three, and Dad said he send me more money to help out. We ( I mean he) bought a t.v stand and some cool bar stools, then he spent the late afternoon putiting it all together and rearranging furniture.
He's now trying to fix my car which suddenly has a flat battery...what would I do without him?
I've really loved having him here. This is literally the first time we've ever spent any extended period of time together, just us, and its been lovely. I feel safe, secure and loved.
How I will miss this feeling, and him, when he goes home. Maybe I am a daddy's girl after all.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
A place called Home
My new favourite thing is shopping for homewares. I've always loved it, but now that I feel at home, and really plan to stay a while, its taken on a whole new meaning.
First of all I unpacked a few wall hangings I've been given as gifts but never put anywhere ( no room, no hooks or just no ability to make a shared house mine) and actually put them up in the bathroom and loo (of all places) and they look fantastic. I've unpacked my pictures and put them around the living room, and finally I have the space to get more.
Today I was forced to get up early for the delivery of my mattress, and while waiting I hung my Marylin picture and "Desiderata", took down the xmas tree and started making room for my old bed in the spare room. Tomorrow my fab new leather bed arrives.....ooohhh!!!
Today i went into Howards Storage World. If you've never been, you must go as soon as possible. Anything you could want to organise your home in a gorgeous way , and even things you didn't know you wanted, are there, and today I finally made a purchase... a clear suction capped basket for the shower. Fabulous!! I can't wait to put it up. My bathroom is going to be so cool!
Perhaps its a tad pathetic to be such a homebody, but right now...I don't give a shit!! I'm as happy as a pig in mud! And oh so excited to show it off to my dad when he visits on Monday.
Life is good... but don't tell anyone I said that.
First of all I unpacked a few wall hangings I've been given as gifts but never put anywhere ( no room, no hooks or just no ability to make a shared house mine) and actually put them up in the bathroom and loo (of all places) and they look fantastic. I've unpacked my pictures and put them around the living room, and finally I have the space to get more.
Today I was forced to get up early for the delivery of my mattress, and while waiting I hung my Marylin picture and "Desiderata", took down the xmas tree and started making room for my old bed in the spare room. Tomorrow my fab new leather bed arrives.....ooohhh!!!
Today i went into Howards Storage World. If you've never been, you must go as soon as possible. Anything you could want to organise your home in a gorgeous way , and even things you didn't know you wanted, are there, and today I finally made a purchase... a clear suction capped basket for the shower. Fabulous!! I can't wait to put it up. My bathroom is going to be so cool!
Perhaps its a tad pathetic to be such a homebody, but right now...I don't give a shit!! I'm as happy as a pig in mud! And oh so excited to show it off to my dad when he visits on Monday.
Life is good... but don't tell anyone I said that.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
My Castle, my life part two
Actually lets forget about xmas. Even though I got to go home and spend it with my family, it was pretty uneventful. I got some great gifts, saw my mates and was annoyed by my great aunt. other than that, it was nice to have a few days off.
The only bummer with visiting Canberra, is that every now and then I wonder if maybe I should move home. The fact of the matter is I could be doing what I'm doing here in Melbourne back at home, while being surrounded by the people who love me most. I only moved away because I wanted to be an actress, and thats not really happening. In fact I'm not really trying.
And that brings me to my next problem...what the fuck am I doing here? I gave myself a year off from dating and worrying about the whole acting thing. I needed the break from both, but I'm having trouble getting back in the game...on both counts.
If I were in Canberra I'd be hanging out with my sis and my girlfriends, getting out and doing things. But I'm here, living this life I created and not entirely enjoying it. I love Melbourne, but does it love me? I feel stuck in retail because I don't have the skills to do anything else, and I don't want to get yet another job that I can't stand.
On the man front...well there are no men. I haven't dated in a million years, and the last bloke sniffing around was my ex who remembered why he didn't like me. I don't go out because I have no single friends to go out with, and the friends I do have are young and coupled up, or married with children. So that leaves me hanging out at The King Of Tonga with all the regular crew, who are all lovely blokes but no options there.
You see my problem(s) don't you?
With all this swishing around in my head, I am also making plans. I'll start teaching dancing again at a scout hall every monday night, I'll start taking drama classes at "the nash" again, I'll train myself on computers in order to get a new job as a p.a somewhere fab, and somehow I will make myself open to meeting a new bloke...even though there are no men.
In the mean time I'm feathering my nest. Unpacking, putting things up that I haven't bothered with before, and generally enjoying being a homebody (thats a trap). I went couch shopping today and actually found one I liked, but it was $200 out of my price range. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm using dad's money and I can't bear to ask for more. So, I continue on my quest...and I'm kinda loving it.
So I guess things aren't so bad. Lots to think about (as usual), lots to plan, lots to buy and lots to do.
Perhaps it'll be a good year...
Cross your fingers for me... and Happy New Year.
The only bummer with visiting Canberra, is that every now and then I wonder if maybe I should move home. The fact of the matter is I could be doing what I'm doing here in Melbourne back at home, while being surrounded by the people who love me most. I only moved away because I wanted to be an actress, and thats not really happening. In fact I'm not really trying.
And that brings me to my next problem...what the fuck am I doing here? I gave myself a year off from dating and worrying about the whole acting thing. I needed the break from both, but I'm having trouble getting back in the game...on both counts.
If I were in Canberra I'd be hanging out with my sis and my girlfriends, getting out and doing things. But I'm here, living this life I created and not entirely enjoying it. I love Melbourne, but does it love me? I feel stuck in retail because I don't have the skills to do anything else, and I don't want to get yet another job that I can't stand.
On the man front...well there are no men. I haven't dated in a million years, and the last bloke sniffing around was my ex who remembered why he didn't like me. I don't go out because I have no single friends to go out with, and the friends I do have are young and coupled up, or married with children. So that leaves me hanging out at The King Of Tonga with all the regular crew, who are all lovely blokes but no options there.
You see my problem(s) don't you?
With all this swishing around in my head, I am also making plans. I'll start teaching dancing again at a scout hall every monday night, I'll start taking drama classes at "the nash" again, I'll train myself on computers in order to get a new job as a p.a somewhere fab, and somehow I will make myself open to meeting a new bloke...even though there are no men.
In the mean time I'm feathering my nest. Unpacking, putting things up that I haven't bothered with before, and generally enjoying being a homebody (thats a trap). I went couch shopping today and actually found one I liked, but it was $200 out of my price range. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm using dad's money and I can't bear to ask for more. So, I continue on my quest...and I'm kinda loving it.
So I guess things aren't so bad. Lots to think about (as usual), lots to plan, lots to buy and lots to do.
Perhaps it'll be a good year...
Cross your fingers for me... and Happy New Year.
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