And Still...

So. Long time no see.

It's been not quite two years since my last post, when I smugly bragged about my perfect new job. Since then, I've changed stores, been promoted to Manager, almost pulled my hair out with stress, gotten totally bored, been inspired by a chick flick, and then, just as I was about to do wonderful things, made redundant. Yep, the company I worked for has gone into administration, closing down stores left, right and centre. It was a horrible time, following a horrible time before that, and now, it's all over. My shop has closed, and I am unemployed.

Now what?

I should add, that within these almost two years, Mr Frog and I have been engaged, planned three weddings, been married three times and spent four weeks in France. Not bad for the girl who thought she'd never feel the "afternoon sun" on her face.

Now what?

Well, to begin with, a job would be good. Before that though, I need to work out what I want to do with myself. I am desperate for a job I love. For a job that has me creating something instead of serving customers who ask for "that book "Macbeth"". It's a play people!!!

So far on the self discovery journey, I have managed to uncover that I need to be doing something creative, or at least be around people who are.

Hmmm... not really a strong lead is it?

I have enlisted the help of books "What Colour is your Parachute" and "Your Dream Career For Dummies" in order to help unlock my true calling. I used to think, in fact I used to believe wholeheartedly that my calling was to be on stage , on film, entertaining the world. That dream ebbed away without me even realising it. Before I knew it, I had stopped even dreaming about it, just doing what I could to make ends meet and rarely even managing that. Eventually coming to the conclusion, that while I may indeed light up on a stage, I don't have the drive or the ambition to make it happen. That was a very hard lesson, and a very sad goodbye to a much loved dream, and indeed, my sole reason for moving to Melbourne.

I wondered then why I shouldn't just move back to Canberra, now my reason for leaving was no longer relevant. Why not go home, be with the people who love and miss me? But I couldn't. I just couldn't find a good enough reason to go.. and only one reason to stay.

The possibilities.

And so here I stand, with endless possibilities before me and not a clue what to do with them.

I am still, Searching For Sam.....

If You Seek...

It seems like ages ago when I rambled on happily about looking for a new job, excited about applying for assistant manager positions and day dreaming about my own cooking show. I was so confident that it wouldn't be long before I was bossing people around in a new job. Silly me.

It didn't take too long before the reality of job hunting set in. Its hard, frustrating, time consuming and really depressing. I don't mean in a "oh no, I still haven't found a job, lets drink wine" kinda way, I mean " Oh my god I can't find a job, I don't know what I'm looking for, I'm really stupid, I can't do anything, I just want to go to sleep for awhile" kinda way. Its clear to me now, that the reason so many people stay unemployed for such long periods of time is because they're just sad. They are miserable, lost, and have largely given up hope.
I know how they feel. My confidence faded pretty fast when I wasn't getting any interviews for the assistant manager positions I was so confident I could do with my eyes closed. I had to look at my options, very few and far between, and started applying for the shit kicker jobs I have always done. Its soul destroying to apply for jobs, any jobs, because you just really need the cash. It feels bad to tell people how much you really want to work with them, when in fact you just really need to work... any where. Applying for jobs you're qualified to do is not the same as applying for jobs you would love to do. There is a big difference between doing what you've always done and trying something new. Its easy to show someone what you can already do.. not so easy to show them what you think you're capable of.
Firstly, do I even have any transferable skills (employment lingo) that I could possibly use? Should I bother tailoring my cover letter and resume when I'm pretty sure I won't get the interview any way? Why don't I just stay in the dead end job I already have and hope for the best? This is how negative it starts to get in my head. So I began sending out almost random job applications. I applied for jobs I didn't necessarily want, but knew I could do. Lazily only using Seek to do the dirty work, not doing any of the pro active things they tell you about: cold canvassing, cold calling, networking.
The "they" I'm referring to are the people in our public services whose job it is to help you get a job. After three months receiving Centrelink payments and handing in the godforsaken diary they make you fill out every fortnight, you are then required to attend a two week job-search training class. When I learned of this fact by letter, I basically threw a tantrum my three year old god daughter would be proud of. "Its a waste of time", "I've heard it all before", it'll be a class full of white trash" (a judgemental cow even when I'm an unemployed bum) !! Mr Frog tried his best to placate me with "well, you haven't had an interview for awhile, maybe there's something wrong with your resume, maybe you're doing something wrong".... I wanted to throw my shoe at his head, but of course I couldn't really argue with that logic. The interviews I'd already had led no where, and had recently dried up. So I pouted for a while and tried to forget about it until the time came. When it did, I whinged that I didn't want to go, but having no choice in the matter (if I didn't go, my benefits would be cancelled. I wasn't getting paid anyway, due to the few hours I was getting at my old job. It was a "just in case" measure) I decided to try and make the most of it. The class was of course, a mixed bag of people, some really keen to get a job, others couldn't seem to care less, and a couple of negative nancy's who had brought my original tantrum all the way into class. I on the other hand, found myself getting more and more positive as the days wore on. I have always been a sucker for the kind of class that makes you ask yourself some important questions, the kind that gets you thinking about the person you are, or were, or would like to be one day.

During the course of these two weeks, without help from my class, I finally got a few more interviews, and was so confident that I started worrying about which job to take. Then - I got a call from a book store. Suddenly, I was excited and looking forward to having an interview and selling myself as much as possible. In the end it was a choice between two jobs: 2IC at a book store, or sales assistant at a fancy mens/ladies label. Being a Libran, the fact that I had two job offers to choose from was not the blessing it sounds like... I can't decide between tea and coffee most days and this choice almost sent me over the edge. I made numerous pro/con lists, discussed my options with the key people in my life and then thought about it some more. This was a choice between staying with what I know and remaining relatively comfortable, and jumping into unknown territory and testing out the bright ideas I'd had at the beginning of all this. Luckily, it seems when I am faced with being safe or being brave, I choose to be brave. This is a quality I am only just realising I have. In fact as I wrote that last bit is when I realised.

What a nice surprise.

L.O.V.E

I have loved before. I'm pretty sure I have been loved before. But this is something entirely different, so different. It almost seems like it comes from somewhere else, which is I guess why poets rattle on about love being "heaven sent" or something... it has to come from somewhere truly magical, this kind of love. I find myself almost constantly elated, always totally surprised that I feel this way and all the more so that he feels the same way right back. When I'm not being totally smug about it, I find myself afraid... afraid that somehow my failure to clean the house or put my clothes away and not on the floor will mean that I'll lose him. The thought leaves me so scared that I try not to think of it at all, even though deep down I know that we belong together no matter our differences in cleaning habits, and that for the first time, I don't really have anything to worry about. I am loved... by the man I love.

Will Work For Money

Let me be honest. I have thoroughly enjoyed having so much time off. I could quite happily be one of those "kept" women, with nothing better to do than shop. Of course, I'm more likely to be sitting on my arse reading or cooking up a storm than doing any shopping, but still... its right up my alley. After my trip home to Canberra, where I spent a lot of time reading and watching cooking shows , I came home with all good intentions of spring cleaning, learning french and even exercising. I think its needless to say that I have done none of theses things with any real gusto. I have perused the pages of my french book only to realise that my lovely Mr Frog was right... I'm now too relaxed to learn anything and its bloody hard to do on your own anyway. I did manage to do a spot of exercising, walking to my mates house to pick up my car after a rather late hens night. I even managed to repeat the trip a couple of times after I realised that its actually not very far at all, and I can pick out my dream house on the way, seeing as we live in a fairly ritzy area (I am of course the poorest person in the suburb and therefore will never actually buy my dream house in the area). The spring cleaning I have put off until basically the very last minute... the week before my lovely Mr Frog arrives back in the country, to live with me, no less.

I know you all want to hear about Mr Frog, but that will have to wait... this is all about my search for a new job.

After enjoying six weeks away from the mind numbing suit business, I emailed my boss to see when exactly we were heading into the newly renovated store, "six weeks" being the time frame I'd been given last I spoke to anyone from work. His reply sent me into somewhat of a tail spin. Not only did they still not have possession of the shop (important when there is a shop fit to do) but said shop fit would probably not be ready until the end of the month. Probably. Now, there was a fairly large part of me that was pleased with this new information. I have two weddings in March for one of which I am maid of honour, and Mr Frog arrives smack bang in the middle of them. March is clearly a big month for me, so some extra time up my sleeve, for wedding preparation, trips home to Canberra for one wedding, and extra snuggling time with Mr Frog is indeed a bonus.

My bank account however did not agree with me. Dear old dad had been dropping large sums of money into the drain that is my bank account on a fairly regular basis, and bless him, he'd keep on doing it if need be. But I for one just can't take it any more. Dad has been handing me money at varying intervals due to the fact I can't seem to take care of myself, but enough is enough. I pay taxes damn it and I realised with a heavy sigh that it was time to cash in on the times when I was actually employed, and apply for the dole. Cue heavy cloak of shame to cover the one I was already wearing. It was about this time that I got angry. How dare my boss make me wait to know my fate. And what if he suddenly decided he wasn't going to open the shop at all, I'd be six weeks unemployed with nothing in the pipeline and only rice in the cupboard. So in the 12 hours from receiving the great/scary news, I had applied for the dole, and four assistant manager jobs. It was finally time to think ahead and start the process of making a change. Now the exciting thing is, I applied for assistant manager jobs, instead of the usual shit kicker jobs I usually settle for. I don't know what came over me, but suddenly I wanted more for myself, albeit still in the depths of hell that is retail, but, still..more.

As yet I have only heard from one job, rejection by Mossimo, but I never really saw myself as a Mossimo girl anyway. I'm hoping for a job in a bookstore, where my love for reading would actually come in handy, not to mention the store discount and possible signings by famous authors. Now there's a job with my name all over it... that, or my own cooking show.

Cross your fingers.

Who Am I?

I am in the position of being so well and truly lost that I must do something about it or else I will fade into nothingness. In fact I feel like I am nothing. Sure, I'm a friend, a sister, a daughter, even a girlfriend and those things are great... but,I, myself , am nothing. I have no identity.

I have a job that I'm not interested in and I'm not particularly good at, all for the relatively decent pay cheque at the end of every week. But its not a proper job, I'm just paying the bills with it. And what do I mean by a "proper job"? Is it just better money that makes it so, is wearing suits, telling people what to do or is it, at its most basic, and simple level, a job that I enjoy and makes me feel worthwhile? I'm not sure how to answer that. All I know is that in my too many comparisons with my friends, mine is not a grown up job. I mean, I'm not even a manager!

I moved to Melbourne to become an actress. That was the dream I had been waiting to fulfill for years and the feeling of heading towards it was fantastic. I felt powerful, and scared and lonely. When it seemed that it was all so hard and I was down so low,I stayed in Melbourne because it still always seemed possible. Eventually, I managed to get some head-shots done, and even get an agent. But while I had the chance I sat back and did nothing else. When I was dropped by my agent during a tough time in the industry, I figured it was a good time to get a better paying job, save some money and eat some meat for a change. I gave myself a year. Its been two. I can barely remember what it felt like to act, how it made me feel..happy, flying brilliant, strong? It has been so long since I have been on a stage or in front of a camera that I can barely remember what propelled me down the Hume Highway away from the people I love all those years ago. I thought it was all such a good idea. Move to Melbourne, become a dance teacher again as my "trade", leave teaching for better hours and time to audition...leave Myer for better money and more hours just to get back on my feet. It seems I have slowly but surely moved further and further away from the dream I moved away for, from what I thought I wanted. So is it because I don't want it any more, or have I just enjoyed eating the occasional steak a little too much? Or is it a little more emotional than that? Lately, I've noticed the negative dialogue in my head. Suddenly it seems I don't believe I can do anything any more. Everything in my head is "Can't" or "no" or "shouldn't". I can't get a new job because I don't have any skills, I can't be an actress because I probably can't act any way, I can't do a course because I don't have any money. I can't find my way because I don't know where I'm heading.

How did I get into this pathetic mess?

The Girls

Since I was twelve, my life has been intertwined with those of five other remarkable women. We have literally grown up together and have somehow managed to stay friends...and not just friends, sisters.
Throughout high school these girls were my confidantes, each with a different take on any given problem,real or otherwise. They were also how I measured myself as a girl and then a woman. Comparing myself to theses girls I was quite frequently dissapointed in how I measured up. This was always only in my own mind, my girlfriends were not the kind from after-school t.v who made fun of their "friends" or turned on them when the wind changed. Ever since I have known these girls, now all grown up, they have accepted me as I am...however, or whoever I am at the time. I can only hope they feel i have done the same for them, as we are all very different from each other.
Megan, always elegant until we're all together, then she is loud and laughing and hilarious. She is always a steady voice in the many storms that come in and out of my life. Behind her usually calm exterior is a mind that is constantly ticking over, often with ideas about how I can meet a bloke and enjoy a great career, at the same time.
Kylie, always serene until we're all together, then she becomes loud and giggly and silly. she is always there for an extremely long talk, without needing to talk, letting me think things through. I have always loved being in her space, which is always warm and inviting and full of little treasures that are just "her".
Becky, always relaxed until we're all together, then she is loud and laughing and gossiping. She is always brutally honest and with such love it doesn't ever sting. A full day with her and the kids has become a much cherished luxury.
Tash, always refined until we're all together, and then she becomes loud and giggly and animated. She is always open to my many questions about her heritage, and answers with thought and honesty.
And lastly, Karina, always sophisticated until we're all together, then she becomes loud and laughing and funny. She is the one who sends books to me when things are hard and I have lost my way, without judgment, just love.
These are the five women I have grown up with, and continue to grow with. I am always astounded that they are still a part of my world and I of theirs. Perhaps the frequency of our gatherings has changed, perhaps our lives are travelling different roads, but somehow, we always manage to come together, as a touch stone to each other, a safe place to fall, or fly.
And for that, my dear friends, I say Thank You.

Coming Out of The Dark

It seems like forever ago that I was in the hole, in the dark, with no way out. But its only been a few weeks since I found my way out and started feeling "normal" again. Thats another word I hate, "normal". What does that even mean? For me its means I'm still all in my head and not entirely happy with where I find myself, but I am no longer spiralling downwards, no longer truly hating myself.
The St Johns Wort certainly pulled me out of the hole, but it hasn't made the cold hard truth any easier to swallow. I still hate my job, I still feel like I should be more successful than I am, I still have my issues, but I'm trying to be nicer to myself. Gentler...more like I am to my best mates...honest but loving. Why its so hard to be this way to myself I'm not sure, but I sure am becoming a better friend. My internal dialogue is no longer a record stuck on destroy...now I can pick the tune I wanna hear and control the volume....if you get my old fashioned metaphor...

So, the update is, I'm O.k. I'm pretty good in fact. Turns out, where I am is exactly where I need to be...out of the hole and dancing in the rain.