Who Am I?

I am in the position of being so well and truly lost that I must do something about it or else I will fade into nothingness. In fact I feel like I am nothing. Sure, I'm a friend, a sister, a daughter, even a girlfriend and those things are great... but,I, myself , am nothing. I have no identity.

I have a job that I'm not interested in and I'm not particularly good at, all for the relatively decent pay cheque at the end of every week. But its not a proper job, I'm just paying the bills with it. And what do I mean by a "proper job"? Is it just better money that makes it so, is wearing suits, telling people what to do or is it, at its most basic, and simple level, a job that I enjoy and makes me feel worthwhile? I'm not sure how to answer that. All I know is that in my too many comparisons with my friends, mine is not a grown up job. I mean, I'm not even a manager!

I moved to Melbourne to become an actress. That was the dream I had been waiting to fulfill for years and the feeling of heading towards it was fantastic. I felt powerful, and scared and lonely. When it seemed that it was all so hard and I was down so low,I stayed in Melbourne because it still always seemed possible. Eventually, I managed to get some head-shots done, and even get an agent. But while I had the chance I sat back and did nothing else. When I was dropped by my agent during a tough time in the industry, I figured it was a good time to get a better paying job, save some money and eat some meat for a change. I gave myself a year. Its been two. I can barely remember what it felt like to act, how it made me feel..happy, flying brilliant, strong? It has been so long since I have been on a stage or in front of a camera that I can barely remember what propelled me down the Hume Highway away from the people I love all those years ago. I thought it was all such a good idea. Move to Melbourne, become a dance teacher again as my "trade", leave teaching for better hours and time to audition...leave Myer for better money and more hours just to get back on my feet. It seems I have slowly but surely moved further and further away from the dream I moved away for, from what I thought I wanted. So is it because I don't want it any more, or have I just enjoyed eating the occasional steak a little too much? Or is it a little more emotional than that? Lately, I've noticed the negative dialogue in my head. Suddenly it seems I don't believe I can do anything any more. Everything in my head is "Can't" or "no" or "shouldn't". I can't get a new job because I don't have any skills, I can't be an actress because I probably can't act any way, I can't do a course because I don't have any money. I can't find my way because I don't know where I'm heading.

How did I get into this pathetic mess?