It seems like forever ago that I was in the hole, in the dark, with no way out. But its only been a few weeks since I found my way out and started feeling "normal" again. Thats another word I hate, "normal". What does that even mean? For me its means I'm still all in my head and not entirely happy with where I find myself, but I am no longer spiralling downwards, no longer truly hating myself.
The St Johns Wort certainly pulled me out of the hole, but it hasn't made the cold hard truth any easier to swallow. I still hate my job, I still feel like I should be more successful than I am, I still have my issues, but I'm trying to be nicer to myself. Gentler...more like I am to my best mates...honest but loving. Why its so hard to be this way to myself I'm not sure, but I sure am becoming a better friend. My internal dialogue is no longer a record stuck on destroy...now I can pick the tune I wanna hear and control the volume....if you get my old fashioned metaphor...
So, the update is, I'm O.k. I'm pretty good in fact. Turns out, where I am is exactly where I need to be...out of the hole and dancing in the rain.
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2 comments:
Wow, this is so relieving to read. And I hope things continue to progress in the right direction for you babe. We all love you like crazy so its great to hear you are being more loving to yourself - you deserve it! M
PS. And you got yourself out of the hole all by yourself - what an achievement in itself! M x
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