The "D" Word

For the last six weeks or so, I have been suffering from mild depression. Thats what the quizzes on the Beyond Blue website tell me, what my doctor suspects is a Saratonin problem, and what I have come to acknowledge...with my head hung in embarrassment. You don't realise the stigma attached to the word "depression" until it is attached to you, and by then you hate yourself already so what difference does it make.
I've always been an emotional chick, like a regular chick, but more so. It comes with being a "creative" type, and to be honest its usually more a blessing than anything else. I am able to act, and write and perform as well as I do because I am emotional. It makes me the woman I am, caring, empathetic and compassionate. Now, however, I am sad and have been every day for the last six weeks or so. Its more involved than "Oh, its raining and I miss my family". That feeling passes in a day, or when the sun comes out.What goes on in my head is this: I hate my life, I don't know what to do to change it, I'm crap at everything, I'll never do anything worthwhile, nobody loves me, no one will ever love me because I am unlovable, I have a shit job, I am an embarrassment to my family.......and so it goes, over and over in my head like clothes in a washing machine.
I go through this on a fairly regular basis, always the same frustrations at where I find myself and not knowing what to do about it. After a week or so I'm usually distracted by something and I'm sunny again. When it had been going on for a month I realised that something wasn't right. Even I'm not this dramatic. So I took myself to the doctor, swallowed my considerable pride, and asked if he might refer me to a shrink or something. He asked a few questions, explained something about stress and Saratonin and told me to start taking St Johns wort and do some reading on a couple of websites, Beyond Blue being one of them.
Meanwhile, I had arranged a few days off from work, to give me some time, at least a little, to sort my head out. This is day three, the last day, and I feel a little better. I'm not teary, and I'm trying to block the negative thoughts that lurk around me. Whether or not the herbal anti-depressant (another icky word) has worked or not is debatable, but I have been less teary this week in general, so I'm guessing that has something to do with it. I may still see someone to talk through some things, but I'm not interested in blaming my past and parents on why I'm a mess now. I'm pretty sure I'm a grown up and can screw things up all on my own.
I've spent my few days off trying to be nice to myself ( not easy when I don't really like myself much right now) and reading a dodgy old self-help (yuck) book on positive thinking. Its basically the same theory as "The Secret", but I'm pretty sure this bloke isn't a zillionaire now.

Anyway... the bad news is this won't go away in a hurry.

The good news is, I'm feeling better today, at this moment.